So here I am, four years or so after my last blogging bender, and I'm starting off by quoting I Heart Huckabees. I don't know why that came to me, but here I am and here it is and here we are again. I was re-reading my old blog entries and realizing how much I used to truly enjoy writing out my thoughts, in a way that's different than writing them in a journal. It's like I'm talking to myself with the possibility of someone else listening. And it changes things. I guess I like an audience even if that could be an audience of one (hi Emily). It's also like when you are talking to a friend listing off the things you need to do, things that have nothing to do with them, but if just feels better to say them out loud? Yeah, that's what it's like too. Anyway...going back to re-reading old blogs, I came to the realization that I have not really changed at all since I was 25. I'm still worrying about the same things, living the same life, I have the same bad habits that I have been trying to stop doing pretty much since I was old enough to realize that they were bad. My past is my future is my present and on and on and on. But then I came to another realization (let's actually call this one an epiphany) that I have changed...and not for the better. What it comes down to is that I've lost my hope. I've lost it and I'm so bitter. I mean, I thought I was bitter then but I wasn't. I could see the good things about myself, I was just bitter that others couldn't. Now I can't even see the good things. And therefore we come to sort of the point of all this. I want to find those things again. If it takes talking to myself on the internet to do it, so be it. I'm so over being depressing. I don't think it suits me. For someone who overuses the smiley face applique in her im's and emails, I can really be a downer sometimes. It's time I embraced my inner smiley face icon. Starting...now.
xoxo-
R.
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