Rumor has it that smoking can be hazardous to your health

I decided after my 29th birthday last week that it was time to quit smoking. I don't think I've ever legitimately tried to quit, I've talked about doing it eventually, but usually would make a joke that I would quit when I got knocked up. However seeing as I don't want to have a baby anytime soon or possibly ever, I can't rely on my potential spawn to help me kick this bad habit. So I'm doing it on my own, actually really trying to make a go of it and I've realized something very disheartening- it...is...hard. Yes, I knew this would be the case, I've seen others try to quit, actually quit, and talk about how hard it is to quit. It wasn't really a surprise but now that I've put my mind to it I'm experiencing it in the first person. And it sucks. I had ALMOST made it an entire week until Friday night when I had a little wine and caved. Why is it that alcohol and cigarettes go so good together? I can imagine smoking without drinking but not the reverse. I think that's going to be my biggest obstacle- drinking and not smoking. Frankly, it seems impossible. I guess I could quit drinking too, but I'm definitely not ready for that. How else would I get the veiled confidence and euphoria that only mass quantities of rum and coke can provide? Of course it has it's pitfalls too but I'm not in the mood to discuss that at this juncture. In fact I'm over talking about cigarettes as well. Nex topic. I recently received the following advice via a fortune cookie: To conquer your flaws, you must first accept them. Wow fortune cookie, that's pretty good compared to what I usually get, which is something along the lines of "a warm smile is a testimony of a generous nature." The thing is, I already think about my flaws so much that it has clouded my mind to the point that I can't see my strengths. So maybe if I just accept them I can move on? I guess I'll have to wait for another fortune cookie to tell me what to do next. Okay back to cigarettes. The thing is they are really disgusting when you take away the fact that they give me so much pleasure. Oh, and they can kill you. And contrary to popular belief, they don't make you look cool. I once caught an image of myself smoking in the side mirror of Emily's car as we were driving from Longview to Austin back in the day and what I saw didn't look cool at all. Apparently I make a strange face that resembles a stroke when I'm smoking. If I can't even benefit from the alleged cool factor, then what else is left? So basically cigarettes flaws are they following: they are disgusting, they can kill you, and they don't make you (or at least me) look cool. And I accept those flaws. I'm ready to move on.
Reagan

Today's "this" issue

This was sent to me via Ashley this morning. It reminded me of when I was in the 9th grade and found out Brad Pitt was engaged to Gwyneth Paltrow and I cried. I actually cried. I guess I thought if he were engaged, then it would never happen between us. As if the engagement were our only obstacle. Moving on. Just now Lisa sent me this. I love the kid in the picture from 11/16...the one wearing the old jewish man glasses. I want to find him and high five him. But only if it were him from 1981. Current him might look a little like Jeffrey Dahmer with those shades. And finally even though animals don't usually do it for me, this gets me everytime (meaning everytime I look at it which sadly is at a rate of about once an hour).

I'm in my tree talking to the Dixie Chicks and they're making me feel better

So here I am, four years or so after my last blogging bender, and I'm starting off by quoting I Heart Huckabees. I don't know why that came to me, but here I am and here it is and here we are again. I was re-reading my old blog entries and realizing how much I used to truly enjoy writing out my thoughts, in a way that's different than writing them in a journal. It's like I'm talking to myself with the possibility of someone else listening. And it changes things. I guess I like an audience even if that could be an audience of one (hi Emily). It's also like when you are talking to a friend listing off the things you need to do, things that have nothing to do with them, but if just feels better to say them out loud? Yeah, that's what it's like too. Anyway...going back to re-reading old blogs, I came to the realization that I have not really changed at all since I was 25. I'm still worrying about the same things, living the same life, I have the same bad habits that I have been trying to stop doing pretty much since I was old enough to realize that they were bad. My past is my future is my present and on and on and on. But then I came to another realization (let's actually call this one an epiphany) that I have changed...and not for the better. What it comes down to is that I've lost my hope. I've lost it and I'm so bitter. I mean, I thought I was bitter then but I wasn't. I could see the good things about myself, I was just bitter that others couldn't. Now I can't even see the good things. And therefore we come to sort of the point of all this. I want to find those things again. If it takes talking to myself on the internet to do it, so be it. I'm so over being depressing. I don't think it suits me. For someone who overuses the smiley face applique in her im's and emails, I can really be a downer sometimes. It's time I embraced my inner smiley face icon. Starting...now.
xoxo-
R.